Avoidant attachment is when someone shies away from emotional closeness or being comfortable when relationships start to feel intimate. This is one of the primary attachment styles developed during childhood that can deeply impact how we relate to others throughout life. Learn more about what avoidant attachment is, where it comes from, how it shows up in relationships, and what can be done to develop healthier connections.
Understanding Attachment Styles
Attachment theory, first developed by psychologist John Bowlby, suggests that the way we bonded with our caregivers as children shapes how we form emotional bonds as adults. Psychologists generally recognize four main attachment styles:
- Secure
- Anxious
- Avoidant
- Fearful-avoidant (also called disorganized)
What is Avoidant Attachment?
Avoidant attachment is characterized by a deep-seated discomfort with emotional intimacy. People with this style tend to value independence and self-sufficiency over closeness and vulnerability. They may appear emotionally distant or aloof, often suppressing their feelings and needs in relationships. This isn’t because they don’t care; it’s usually a learned protective behavior.
Where It Comes From
Avoidant attachment typically develops in early childhood, often in response to caregivers who were emotionally unavailable, distant, or rejecting. When a child’s emotional needs are consistently unmet or dismissed, they may learn that showing vulnerability doesn’t lead to comfort or connection, so they stop trying to express themselves.
As adults, these individuals often maintain emotional walls to avoid the pain that they believe is inevitable rejection or disappointment.
Common Signs of Avoidant Attachment
If you or someone you know has an avoidant attachment style, you might notice difficulty expressing emotions or discussing feelings. Individuals often exhibit a strong need for independence and personal space, as well as a discomfort with too much closeness or dependency.
Individuals with avoidant attachment may engage in alcohol and drug abuse to help cope with emotional pain and distress. Struggles with commitment in romantic relationships may contribute to the issue. They may also unconsciously choose partners who reinforce their distancing patterns, which can lead to a cycle of emotional frustration and detachment.
Can Avoidant Attachment Change?
Yes, absolutely. While attachment styles are deeply ingrained, they are not permanent. With awareness, effort, and sometimes professional support (such as therapy), people can move toward a more secure attachment style. Growth might look like:
- Learning to tolerate vulnerability
- Practicing emotional expression
- Building trust gradually
- Challenging the belief that needing others is a weakness
Relationships with securely attached partners or supportive friends can also help rewire these old patterns over time.
Learning to Manage Avoidant Attachment
Avoidant attachment isn’t about being cold or heartless — it’s often the result of learned self-protection. Understanding this attachment style can bring compassion, clarity, and an opportunity for growth. Whether you’re navigating this yourself or in a relationship with someone who is, remember: healing is possible, and connection doesn’t have to be scary. At Comprehensive Wellness Centers, we believe in a complete and well-rounded approach to mental health care and substance abuse treatment. Reach out to learn more about our programs and start your journey to healing and recovery.